Sunday, December 21, 2008

What is wrong with me?

Why I can't just be happy and content. Does life have to be such a freakin roller coaster. I guess I make my life that way, when in reality its not what I want. I've seen others who can be satisfied with things the way they are but there is always just something missing in my life I guess. I can't be content at work with the hours I get. I always have to argue. I can't be calm with other parts in my life, they have to be perfect. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME!! Can't I just be happy. I mean things are good. I have good friends and things are working out in a good way to help me prepare for my mission but yet I'm not happy. Something is missing and I just can't freakin figure it out. I try to take my mind off it but yet here I am at 1:30 in the morning confessing my soul to a useless internet site. Maybe my hopes are that someone will read it and tell me whats wrong. A random stranger if at best.

Why do I complicate things. Take them out of the bounds they are comfortably set in and contort them into realms in which I see fit. Can I not let something be? Why must I hang up the phone always wondering Why? Why can't I just let it be. Things are supposed to work themselves out. Life is supposed to fall into place when it seems like lifes standing still and I'm doing all the work. I try to controll whats uncontrolable.

I feel like I'm stuck in a movie where the main character is lost. He has just overcome something that he thought was never possible. He tore down a wall that was thought to be industructable. But now he looks at the ruble and past the wall with nothing in front of him but a blank canvas. He has the choice to paint what he wishes, but no paint. It's supposed to paint itself people say. Well then it needs to hurry up and do so because I'm tired of waiting.

I'm tired of waiting for life to unfold. I am to impatient for that. I would never wish for my life to pass me by, but I wish I could experience it faster. Come what may has become a sentence that is voodoo to me. I hate that. Lets see what happens. Here's an idea, I think life is completely controlable, just not by yourself. You can't control the actions of others but you can sure influence them. Two people who work for the same goal have twice the chance to get what they desire. I think that this whole, you have no control over life and time is bull. Watch me control my life to how I want it to be. I know some things will just happen but I have the agency to control what I have to do with my future.

What the heck is wrong with me?

1 comment:

Shelby Lou said...

you want to know what I realized? Well even if you don't. This is what I think, I personally want life to go by faster, I want my life to start, and I keep sitting here saying HEY LIFE START ALREADY. when in reality it has, and I am far far behind. You say you are waiting, but your not. Your behind, so far, that you can't even imagen. You haven't even had a glimpse of waiting. Until you are happy and content with what you have you will then be waiting, and we both know what for. It's hard to think that way, and it's hard not to take control of your life. COME WHAT MAY is the devil. honestly, I wish I could make what I want happen, or at least something happen. But, it's true, and thats the sucky part. All I know is that you have to stop controlling things. When you control something, you make it work for YOU but not for anyone else, so in the process of getting YOUR life straightened out, you are making other peoples lives insane. You just have to be aware of your surroundings and open your heart to people. Even if they don't deserve it. Pray for your enemies, even if they aren't human things, pray in a way that helps your problems. Say you are having trouble with self-doubt. pray that doubt will help you when you need it most, like when you are fighting against satan. Pray that it will help you and keep you in check. It works. I don't know if this helps you at all. But, I tried.